One of the questions I wonder whether it will come up at International is why I don’t have a collared boy either with me or at home. The extension of that being whether a leather Sir is truly a Sir without a (collared) boy, and likewise whether a leather boy is truly a boy with a Sir and a Sir’s collar.
(I should make this completely clear: this is about a collared relationship-boy, nothing to do with Dan, my title-boy.)
On the basest level, I find that question, or at least the concept behind it, to be pretty offensive. If we are so adamant that “leather” is what we are inside, and that “boy” is not dependent on age, experience, or even gender, then shouldn’t “Sir” also be about what is inside rather than on whether someone else has a length of chain around his neck?
That said, while the length of chain is theoretically symbolic, I know people for whom the physical symbol is vitally important to their own self-worth — boys exhibiting signs of depression when not collared and seeking collaring from any potential Sir, regardless of whether a suitable relationship exists already or not. And I know others for whom the collar is an inseparable part of their play — tops who use a collar in basically any 1-on-1 scene they do, developing an ever expanding stable of “collared” boys.
For myself, after my last significant relationship ended a bit over two years ago, I really had no interest in trying to move into another relationship quickly. Heck no: I was interested in playing far more than dating. Although that relationship had ended, it had done good things in strengthening the side of my personality that sought out sexplay; I was much more able to ask for and pursue what I wanted now, and it was working. I figured that if a relationship fell out of play, super, and if it didn’t for a while, no worries.
It wasn’t until about a year ago that I started getting that itch, thinking about an a more formal relationship again. Of course, now with the LeatherSIR title, I had incentive to look at that possibility from a different angle, and to give good thought to whether I wanted to seek out a leatherboy with the possible intent of collaring.
One stopper for me there has been my personal feelings on what a collar means. Most leathermen agree that it is symbolic or representative of the relationship, but there is a lot of difference on the “seriousness” indicated. If you look online, you will find references to play collars and training collars and collars of consideration and so forth, but ultimately it comes down to the two people. Other than collars used strictly within a play scene to establish roles (including puppy collars), to me, a collar is the equivalent of “going steady” (or more), of a relationship that has moved beyond light dating/fucking/etc., into something more serious.
So that’s the biggest piece of the question:
— Why don’t I have a collared boy? Because I am not in a relationship with someone at a level where a collar is appropriate.
The second piece, then, is why aren’t I in that sort of a relationship? If I’ve been thinking about it for going on a year, surely I’ve moved beyond thinking into looking, right? Of course I have. But if a relationship involving a collar has to be at the right level to warrant one, then it also has to be the right relationship, with the right boy, at the right time. And that’s one of the difficulties I have had, is finding a boy with the right values, interests, experiences, and sexual focus to mesh with me.
Maybe I’m too picky — some would say so, I’m sure. Maybe I’m good at driving them away. Maybe I discard options too soon. All I can really say is that I have had both play and public display (whether genuine date or just accompanying me to a leather social event) opportunities with a few boys over the past several months and I haven’t found someone with the right combination to continue forward with for more than a few encounters.There is one definite roadblock, though: the title, or at least the activities I’ve accepted as part of the title. Not that I’m avoiding star fuckers — hah, if a boy wants me to fuck him as because of the title as because of me, no problem (at least once). But this year, basically every Saturday from late March to late September has been booked with a local event or an out-of-town trip or a party I am hosting. It has been a struggle to find the time to mow my lawn this summer, getting into the dating swing where I carve out time specifically to spend building that sort of a relationship, that is very challenging.
But I’m still looking. The right boy will come along some day and grab my brass ring, but in the meantime, I’m still going to have a fulfilling leather life (including plenty of hot sex).